Probably one of the most important things I learned during the recent years is the value of my internal peace.
All my life, I’ve kept almost everything related to emotions to myself, and shown the world only those which they need to know. Can’t be helped, I didn’t know any better. At one point, I just realized the turmoil inside me which kept growing like a tumor. I just noticed it when it was already boiling and undeniable. And I cannot put it out.
I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that it was uncomfortable. And that it has already existed from the beginning—whatever it was—I was just consciously ignoring it. So it grew silently and malignantly. You know what they say, “ignoring the signs”, then panicking when it’s uncontrollable.
So, I explored places in search of whatever kind of water to put that turmoil away. I also left some matters behind, cut some ties off, buried some memories away. I tried new experiences in hopes of overwriting the turmoil with “happiness”.
I realized that the turmoil was actually a dry void being infested with my malices. It’s like a cavity, a hole in my realm of thinking. Something was there before, but for some reason it faded away, and left a void. Outside the void are the mechanisms which I use for perceiving, thinking, feeling, decision-making, and executing my plans. Those are healthy and properly working. But the last layers of muscles just before the void are dry and uncultured. Without a guardian, the dry and uncultured walls of the void are being infested with my malice. And those pests cannot fly into the void, so they eat away the healthy parts instead—enlarging the void, reducing my remaining sense of self.
I don’t even know what was in place of the void originally. It could be empathy or some other virtues that I now lack. It could be memories that suddenly faded in case I bumped my head before. It could be a bubble which refused to pop out as I grew, so I have outgrown it while it remained just that void, not even air. I don’t know what to “get back”.
If there is a thing in the universe which can purify and exorcise like a shikon no tama, that would be great. I need a quick answer so I can return to being normal as quickly as possible. I don’t really have a lot of time to dilly-dally, fInD mYseLf, pUt mE fiRsT, etc. I have bills to pay, people to serve, tummies to feed.
But, I know I was lacking something I know. It could or could not be what was in the void originally, but I was sure it was something I lack. I know, because I have been dismissing it for a lifetime thinking it was just bullshit.
I was lacking peace.
LAUGHTER – Official HIGE DANdism – Spotify
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