When I first learned of this peace thing, it was foreign to me and difficult to understand. I never knew I needed it until I really did need it. You will really be protective of the things you were deprived of once you get a hold of them. During my earlier days, I used to say,
“I’ve worked hard for all this peace for a long time. Why must you ruin it?”
Peace for me was like snowflakes which melt away when spring comes. Peace was like shards of hope—very tiny, easily blown by the wind, difficult to catch, easy to lose. Peace was very fragile like a house of cards—one small trigger and it falls to the ground. So I shouted in anger, at a lot of different events, when my peace was disturbed. My anger is like that of a toddler whose favorite candy was stolen. And shouting is a manifestation of the lack of peace.
And so, everytime I gather some peace, a small trigger ruins it—then, I’ll gather again, only to be broken again. Even when I put my peace in a bag, or a steel drawer, someone or something still gets a way to break it. If this is the process of healing, this is frustrating. It feels like I just get a new kind of frustration without mending my initial wounds.
Until I realized, peace seems breakable because I make it seem so. I placed peace in the sensory world because my problems are also physical. I relied my peace on things that people can block, such as events which can be cancelled, things which can be hidden, people who can change their minds. So, everyone has an access to my peace or its sources. Intentional or unintentional, I can be deprived of the peace I want to get.
So, I placed my peace in a realm known only to me. People cannot destroy what they don’t know.
There is a void inside me which even I myself have difficulties accessing. This is where I store my pieces of peace. I need to fill this void with some good energy so that it does not remain an uncomfortable waste of space. There it is, just floating, slowly reducing the weird vacuum with its presence. The infesting malice around its walls still thrive on my healthy functions. So, I need to accumulate peace fast enough to prevent the pests from reaching danger level.
It seems like the peace ball is getting larger, I hope. I can feel the warmth touching the infested walls, even a little. Makes me think that the malice are going to notice the pure energy taking the place of the void. The malice detecting the peace are panicking and are causing a whole new level of internal discomfort. In the process of growing my peace, I have to learn how to tame the discomfort, and eventually heal. This pain of healing is nothing compared to the pain of falling to this peaceless situation, nad nothing compared to the future pain if I will let it things fall to even greater entropy.
“I’ve worked hard for all this peace for a long time. Why must you ruin it?”
Instead of treating peace like a house of cards, I started believing that peace is an idea I can generate on my own. If I can control the internal turmoil, external factors cannot destroy me.
“I’ve come this far and done a lot. I will not let this small setback destroy my hard-earned peace.”
SPRING DAY – BTS – Spotify
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