Silently going on hiatus

I was once told that I do not need to announce if I will deactivate on Facebook.

That is actually true. My presence or absence is not something big of a deal. I have been an introvert for all my life, and I am supposed to be very immune to invisibility.

I used to post an announcement of my leave at least two days prior to schedule. Maybe subconsciously, I was hoping that people will ask what is wrong, or why the sudden silence, or if I am going somewhere, or if they can change my mind. Maybe unconsciously, I announce my leave to make myself feel better, to prove myself that I am relevant to someone.

But when I was told this, I became aware of that subconscious. I became aware how large Facebook is, that my small presence is not a loss to any community. Three thousand Facebook friends are nothing. No one's world will stop.

That is correct. So, I just left whenever I felt like doing it, and returned whenever I felt like doing it.

Last year, I experienced a heavy series of betrayals and emptiness since September. It was season of rising hustle—interim audits, my exams, Christmas hurry. Every day, I endured walking like an empty can with very little confidence and motivation. I looked at people with spite. I disgusted the world. I cried almost every night. It felt like I was just a breathing shell, with no life. A mere machinery. But, I cannot tell anyone. Because no one cares.

Even if I tell someone, I would just be "spreading negativity". My feelings were utterly unsolicited. Everybody has a lot of business to finish. I, too, have a lot of job on my plate. And, the irony of being that empty piece of shit with hands full of problems is in itself very, very painful.

But, I had to keep my mouth shut. Because, I am not relevant to anyone.

I was aware that those thoughts are self-inflicted. I have lived all my life in depression enough to study myself and, at the very least, be aware of the source of my feelings. But, just because I was aware does not mean I can make them go away. It is not as easy as drinking water when you become aware you are thirsty. And, I had to keep enduring that pain every day, because I cannot let my pain ruin the rest of my life.

I fled to my hometown on Christmas break. I had to deafen my ears from voices. I had to blind myself of the things that remind me of the pain. I had to run away. I had to breathe.

And there, all the frustrations I bottled up, I poured into the cold, fresh winds of the ricefield.

I was told that I do not need to announce if I will deactivate on Facebook. So, I just did. Without a care, I did, without telling anyone.

And, they were right. No one's life stopped during my absence. It was a good choice—I got the break I wanted, and no one complained about me fame-seeking.

When I came back, no one really noticed I was gone. There was one person, though, who messaged me "Welcome back." That person was someone I had never imagined to notice me. It may have been a coincidence, and it does not automatically mean that I am relevant. But, it warmed my heart on that period of abyss.

Honestly, during that period I was deactivated, I was not able to fully heal. I did my best, though, to refrain from everything that caused pain. That short period was not enough to heal my existing pain, and even not enough to prepare myself for the inevitable upcoming pain again.

And yes, I was told not to announce my leave. I was told to keep my grief for myself, because my grief should not corrupt the happiness of the people who could read my miserable posts.

It was a good choice to take that advice. I grieved alone, I healed alone, and I move forward alone. I was able to maintain the level of happiness in my online community because of that silence.

It was a good choice to process the pain alone. In return, I was able to refrain from contributing unhappiness to the society. Also, in return, I was able to nurture another bottled-up sentiment.

It was a good choice.

Or was it?

I kept thinking, it was good that I was told off from speaking my temporary leave. Time will come when I have to take a permanent and mandatory leave out of the physical world, and I will not be able to announce that. I wondered if I would fall into oblivion if, for example, I got into a traffic accident and died during that time I was deactivated and no one was informed.

But, it is okay. I am immune to solitude.

I am fine. But, I am not sure about all the other people who were told that they do not need to announce their leave because the act is annoying or unnecessary or irrelevant.

This is yet another untold story I have to let go in order to move forward.

It is okay if you find it annoying. You can always unfollow silently to preserve yourself from the annoyance. But, people will never heal if they cannot speak. Please let them. There are a lot of options to protect your own side from external factors. But, do not bar other people on using their own doors. You have yours. Do not cancel other people's voice.