Returning Memories

It's been years since I opened Wattpad. My latest memories are faint and cannot be relied on. Probably the last time I opened Wattpad was in 2016, between my last summer classes and fourth year in college, when our university transitioned class opening from June to August. I spent those two months working at a local branch of the largest mall chain in the country, which also sponsored my college eductation. During lunch breaks, I used to read a thriller story in Wattpad using FreeBasics, because I was that poor to finance a proper mobile data package. But, I managed to finish reading that story. What an awesome experience.

Then, I stopped. When classes began, I stopped reading Wattpad and went back to academic books. Well, I had a lot of side habits anyway—I also read manga and Webtoon (a lot). At one point, I realized that Wattpad was not something I cannot live without, and just got used to living without it.

It's Year 2020. I suddenly felt the urge to open Wattpad, just to know what's up. And the first thing which appeared before me is this:

I learned that Wattys is an annual event of Wattpad to celebrate all types of novels and stories in the platform. This year, Webtoon sponsors the event. Now, two of the platforms which hold dear to my heart are collaborating now. I thought it's something out of the ordinary and something to not be missed.

So, I sat for a while, and imagined a life where I am a novelist.

I found that I still have the first four chapters of my novel back in 2016. Of course, reading it was really cringy. I also found that I still have my skeleton of another novel back in 2017, which is coded "ACFAWW", and I honestly forgot what it means. While reading those rough drafts, all of the ideas I had back then came rushing, overflowing, like when a dam bursts or when a storm surge happens. The ideas were so overwhelming that I couldn't sleep that night, and it was a weekday. The ideas themselves were too much for me to handle, and I have to mention that even the feelings I had were reawakened. The anticipation, excitement, eagerness, hyperactivity, and yearning, all came to me. I really wasn't able to sleep that night.

So when morning came, I asked myself, do I want to redeem myself? Do I want to write again? Of course, the chances of getting noticed is very, very slim. But, I'm not supposed to write for attention, but for expression. My dream is to make a story which reverberates the things I couldn't speak about, themes that happened and those which will never happen in my life, dreams I gave up, unpopular opinions, good and evil human perceptions, and a lot of other stuff.

If it's a question of "do I want to do this", YES, I do. But if it's a question of "can I", NO, I can't.

It's because I became a sad adult. I became a poor human who cannot handle her existential quarter-life crisis effectively. It's because I now have things I must prioritize. It's because things—sleep, self-worth, happiness—pile up, that I need to chase after them first before I chase the want to write.

I am truly inspired by a lot of artists who can still write. When I was in high school, the writers I followed included a dentist, a psychologist, a teacher—with established profession who still write. Today, the artists I follow include a registered nurse, a university student, a mother, among others. They have their careers and still they can write and draw. But, why can't I.

I guess it is my choice not to.

For now, I am satisfied to learn that the ideas are still with me. I am satisfied that, even if three or four years have passed, I still have the memories intact. Probably not complete, probably slightly dented, but still there.

I am satisfied to know that they are still alive.

#Wattys2020 #Wattpad #Webtoon