One of the first questions I got during my first month at work is why I am so quiet in real life despite being active (and loud) on social media.
I don't want to answer this question because it doesn't need answering. If I answer this, most of you will probably forget after a month that this ever happened. So, why would I waste my time. It'd be ironic to answer this and unnecessarily reveal a lot about me. If I answer this, it just proves that I'm talkative on the internet. Well yeah, I am.
But at the same time, I also want to answer once and for all.
I also ran out of blog topics. Hahaha.
Of course I know why. It boils down to my upbringing. I could ramble all day here telling my sad childhood story, sounding like a loser who can't grow up—so I'll just summarize them* into three bullets:
I was sickly as a child. Therefore, I didn't run and play under the sun like normal children, which is really ironic now that I'm adult and I learned that doctors actually recommend physical activities for the people with health problems.
I was raised in a traditional Asian family, where my opinion didn't matter because I'll never surpass the age of the elders. Also, I held back my actual self a lot of times because, well, think of it as Mulan trying to fake her etiquette and memorizing stuff she doesn't believe in, just to impress people and "bring honor" (actually, not to bring disgrace) to the family.
I thought everything will work out great for me in my future just because I win almost all competitions I entered to. Yep, being an (ex)overachiever built me a superiority complex even if I don't admit it. So much for chasing things that don't actually bring ultimate happiness. So much for fulfilling other people's dreams. But can you blame me, it was all I have ever known.
*I actually wrote my sad childhood story but decided not to post it because it sounds so dramatic and cringy.
Related story: I used to love the stars.
I didn't have much freedom and self-value. I'd like to tell you more, but I cringe at all the past events of my life, so I better look ahead and let bygones be bygones. Of course, who I am today is a product of my past. So, what I'd like to share is the psychological products of those memories.
Also, you might have already seen this comic by Shen, creator of Bluechair. This is titled Owlturd #69 : Vulnerable. It speaks volume.
Please support the creator!
Bottling up
I developed a thinking that, if I don't want to be judged, I'll keep everything to myself. I used to be very secretive, but then I met friends I could confide with. I could have known better (but didn't) that I could count on one hand the people who actually never leaked the things I shared. I even had a mutual understanding with a guy classmate for about one whole damn year without any of the class knowing (except for a few confidants). When there are one-day activities I wanted to join, I didn't tell my parents anymore, even if they took place outside the school. I thought, as long as I go out and come back normally, they won't notice. You probably did that, too.
In summary, keeping quiet has become my defense mechanism against persecution. Since I'll do what I want without anyone's approval anyway, why talk about them and assume the risk of being opposed, judged, ridiculed, disapproved (unsolicited), or even grounded. That leads to the second reason for being quiet:
Self-sufficiency
All my life, I used to be a helper. During a cute little party in high school, I received a recognition for being a "Life Saver", saving groupwork and tasks even at the last minute. Haha. When I say self-sufficient, I do not mean to demean those who helped me. I received a lot of help (especially financially) all through my whole education. I am very grateful for that. But, I also want to credit myself for all the hardwork I did to learn the things I could never learn if I stayed sheltered. I did a lot of things on my own. I had a lot of experiences which I only know of. I'm that geek who meddles at everyone's problems but never asks for help.
So yeah, I've been self-sufficient for a very long time. Because I had bottled up almost everything, I developed a lot of skills useful for me to survive in solitude. So I don't mind some emotional or even actual solitude because that's all I've ever known for as long as I can remember. Being silent is already inherent.
Burning bridges
I have a lot of memories getting betrayed. I have to admit that some of those memories are defined as betrayal only by me, meaning that the other person probably thinks it's not a big deal. When I confide something, it's probably because I trust a person so much. Only to be broken in the end. Sometimes, I regret to share with friends at all..
Even if I'm hopping back and forth between "I gotta open up more" and "Never trust anyone", I uphold "They can't destroy what they don't know." At this point of my life, I already developed enough resilience and tolerance to drain out all emotions of a person if they betray. Yep, I suddenly cut ties with people, no matter how close we were before. I don't keep people who steal my peace of mind.
Conservation
Probably the most objective reason I don't talk much in real life is because it's so tiring to talk about small ideas. I honestly don't care about a lot of things. I don't like to know what's up, and I don't know how to answer that question when someone asks me that. I just don't want to talk just for the sake of talking. I like to talk about ideas. We can create an echo chamber or we can debate—both are fine as long as we talk with meaning.
If I want to know what someone is doing in life, I'd probably visit the social media accounts myself. If I want to deviate, I can always lurk on the internet and look at memes and shitposts. I can even mingle with strangers in communities to just comment on weeb memes. My point is, I can seek small talk on my own at my leisure time. If we humans interact, we should do it meaningfully. Otherwise, let's save our energy for meaningful things later rather than just talk.
Pseudo-personality
So, here's why I'm so loud in social media. So, although I'm quiet, I'd like to experience a world where I'm the opposite. I won't wait for a parallel universe to materialize that "I'd like to", since I'm never going to meet that version of me anyway. I'll do that version myself. Yes, the internet, what a nice way to make a pseudo-persona.
So, the question should probably be "Why are you so loud in the internet?" rather than "Why are you so quiet in real life?"
Both are true. I am both quiet and loud. After all, I have a lot of ideas in me, that overflows in my little memory storage. Same thing why I put up this blog site—so I can write stuff and share my unsolicited opinions. But even though both are true versions of me, one is just an antecedent—a product of defense mechanisms.
For the whole week of writing this, I was contemplating whether I should really say these things or just leave them in my mind. It's not like posting this will make an impact to the society. If anything, it just reveals pieces of me that I am supposed to be protecting in order to avoid getting betrayed and disappointed.
But I thought, I can convince myself to think that I'm doing this as a self-affirmation. Not the typical affirmation we know. Maybe like a reassurance that I know myself better than anyone else. That I understand myself even if no one listens to me. I don't know how many people will actually finish (or even start) this blog, but if I had the energy to write all of this (plus the things I didn't include), might as well drop it. This blog site is supposed to document my healing and learning, after all.
I'm just going to believe that, if this reaches other people who experience the same feelings as I do, and puts up the same defenses as I do, I hope this blog post resonates them, and they are reminded that they are understood.
I hope this answers why I am so quiet in real life.
I hope this answers why I am so loud on the internet.
I hope this answers for all the people who are like me but cannot speak out their answers.
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