I got addicted to stress and pressure, thinking those are the fuels for a sucessful life. A life in content is a life in mediocre, I used to believe. If you are not getting tired, you are not doing enough, I used to believe. Hustle, grind, excel, lead, be the alpha, is what I used to believe. I was always busy appeasing the eyes of the society, that I forgot to attend to my personal principles. While I was not attending to myself, the malice kept feeding on me.
So, I need to force shutdown. It should actually be a given that my priority should be myself, but I really wonder what happened, why myself became the last of my priorities. So much “last”, that I have to force myself to look at myself. How shameful.
But, here goes nothing. Through some meditations and medications, I learned to clear my head and cleanse it little by little. It is not something worth being proud for, and I’m done competing. I just want to breathe like a normal person. It’s so hard to find peace when you don’t have a natural source for it. I feel like a beggar, scraping measly places just to find traces of peace and put them together to feel an impact.
Peace is everywhere. There are people who have a lot of peace in them. But for me, and for other people, it seems like a scarce resource. I know that peace occurs in a lot of places. But, why does it not occur in me? I wonder.
I tried indulging in funny content online to restore happiness. I also tried talking to people, and not talking to people. I tried meditating, journaling, writing gratitude, reading self-help books, and keeping a habit tracker. I tried stopping the flow of overwhelming information I have to process every day. Anything. Just to achieve some peace, until I can fortify a stable ground.
Successful people are normally those who can keep composure even under storms. It makes me wonder, if I just developed my peace from the beginning, would have I achieved more? Or at least, would have I been more able to appreciate my life better?
And learning how to create temporary peace does not automatically solve everything. I have a lot of turmoil in me. It is difficult to change a mindset. It is very difficult to protect peace. I cannot even hold it in my arms, nor find the best words to explain it. Even the process of healing is very painful. But if both healing and falling further are painful, I choose the one which pushes me forward.
SLUMP – Stray Kids – Spotify
Commentaires