I figured out I don't have a chance of sleeping within the next two hours. So, here I am, boiling water for a midnight cup noodles.
Lately, life has become a little... wavy. There were burdens that were lifted, and new burdens that were received. I felt like a bird in a game trying to avoid bumping obstacles and falling to the ground, by jumping for a while, feeling brief moments of happiness before fighting gravity again. Constantly.
I've been divulging into memes, finding groups of total strangers, trying to rebrand myself because I am too stubborn to admit that I need help. Life got messier than it ever has been. I shut myself off, I threw my frustrations out on people, I cut ties with people, or intentionally angered them so they cut ties with me... I have fully convinced myself that everything I have up to the present is fake. I am fake. I don't even know who I am anymore. What was left of me was the knowkedge that I am alive for no reason.
You see, when I was 15, I never imagined myself my age today. It wasn't because I didn't have a dream—it was because my dream was to just vanish off the earth. There is a part of me which tells me that, maybe what I'm feeling is fear of the uncertain—because I wasn't able to prepare my life on the premise that I'll never reach my current age. It has been almost a decade. But, I still can't reconcile with my inner struggles.
Although I met a lot of people who made me feel different kinds of things, there is a void inside me that cannot be filled. There were times I was enjoying life. For brief moments. I would love to say, "I cherish those moments because I am too afraid they never come back." But the truth is, I'm really convinced that nothing in my life is real. Maybe I'm just living inside a dream. Those moments are just as unspecial as anything else in my meaningless life.
Sometimes I wonder, did I become happy, or am I just convincing myself that I became happy? I've been thinking—has life become heavier, or is it me who has become weaker? Has life become darker, or is it my eyes which have become blind? It's hard to pick—I can't even feel my soul, what am I thinking for?
This might spark negative thoughts if someone ever reads this. If my friends ever read this, they might get offended. It might also trigger anxiety or depression. If my feelings reach you, thank you, for validating that these feelings are not just in my head. If they don't, then it's just me and my thought process.
But, I guess society has no room for weird late night feelings. Or are these "feelings" at all? I guess I'll just force myself to sleep then, to live a new meaningless day tomorrow.
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