Here’s one thing I learned from experience—it’s okay to feel sad about letting go of hurtful memories.
When I was younger, I had a lot of unhealthy things I clung onto, not because they are useful, but because it felt ironic to feel sad letting go of them. The sadness was the constant, while the decision to let go was the variable. I did not know better then. So, I continued to cling to those bad habits and decided instead to let more time pass by until I forget about them or no longer feel bad losing them—natural
death through time.
Since I no longer paid attention to them but still existed inside me, they got the chance to live. They were like criminals who got discovered and arrested but, due to benign mercy, were let live in the outskirts of town. They did not participate in the important conscious functions. But, they were still there. Since I chose to let them exist in silence—or rather, I chose not to let them go—dying was not a choice. They had to feed on me as scavengers.
I woke up one day realizing that I was not moving forward. I still felt stuck with the things of the past that I cannot let go for the mere reason that I am not supposed to be sad about leaving them. In the end, I just let them live in me, feeding my insides, silently. So I remember, “Ah, I have some weird shit buried somewhere, that I promised myself to let go when they do not hurt anymore.”
But, when the time came when they really did not matter to me anymore, it was awkward even remembering them. It felt like I did not even need to “let them go” because they were basically meaningless already. They do not deserve to be celebrated anymore.
Then, if it is so awkward to celebrate after many years, what did I even wait for?
“No, it’s not easy to leave for good.”
—Right Through Me 뚫고 지나가요
DAY6 (Even of Day)
That was when I realized that I should have let them go when it was their prime. I should have let them leave when it was their season to leave. I should have accepted the pain then. I would have already been healed by now, considering all those years that passed. But instead, I buried them to the side. And so, the pain was diluted over many years, but the wounds did not fade. Time did not heal them. So, I had a lot of unfinished businesses. I continued to be associated with the unhealthy things I had. For the most part, I continued to be damaged unnecessarily, but the path to healing was intentionally blocked. I could have let the scar fade like fresh skin. But, I did not.
If something is hurting us now, we better deal with them now.
First, we have to acknowledge that there is a problem. We have to acknowledge what damage the problem has caused to us, and what potential damages it can bring if left unattended. As we embrace the problem, does it create more problems to us? If we drop it off, does it relieve us?
Next, we have to plan the timeline of our healing. “Now” does not necessarily mean “this instant”. We can set a reasonable timeline. Can we leverage anything from this experience? Can we delay when it hurts less? Are there people who might be affected by the decisions we make?
Then, we have to orchestrate the method of our healing. Do we confront people? Do we throw things away? Do we physically leave a place? Do we cut ties and burn bridges? Do we overwrite the memories through new environments?
Lastly, we do. We execute the plan. We let go.
Kousei bids goodbye to his mother.
Your Lie in April 四月は君の嘘
Episode 13
If it hurts, it means it matters. We are about to let go of something important to us now. It hurts because it holds a significant part of ourselves which suddenly becomes empty. It hurts because we were accustomed to it being there, no matter how bad it is. It hurts because we do not know yet how to close the gap it leaves. It hurts because it matters. Until we drop it, and for some time after than, it will continue to hurt. And, that is okay. We have to acknowledge the pain and honor the lessons we learned from the experience.
In the future, it might not be important anymore. Just like how my past stuff felt awkward getting remembered after many years, these things will lose their radiance someday. If we continue to push them aside, we will not learn. Avoidance is different from letting go. Avoidance is cowardice, passive, unhealthy, and does not solve any problem. Letting go is an active solution—a brave act of healing.
Really, it is okay to cry for the loss of childhood trauma, toxic people, bad habits, painful memories, and other things that hinder our growth. The pain reminds us that moving forward is worth celebrating.
“So I can let go of your hand now
I got to let you know that I need to let you go
Hard to say goodbye but I can’t run away
I’m ready to let go”
—Let Go
BTS
Comentarios