If there's anything I've learned in 2020, it's how much I've romanticized overworking and how much I've neglected myself.
Because of the lockdown, I unintentionally acquired time to attend to thoughts that would have been dismissed. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing—but it's definitely an eye-opener on many things.
Overworking is inherent to me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Being in constant mental activity has already engineered my mind and body to be irritated when I'm not doing anything productive. Or being naturally seeking of productivity puts me to constant motion. They feed off on each other, so the cycle goes on—I can't be comfortable doing nothing. I used to think that people who only lie down playing games or watching videos are losing a lot of opportunities to learn—I used to be disgusted with that kind of attitude. But look at me now, desperately seeking chances to do literally nothing.
What constitutes overworking? It depends. For me, I can get really obsessed and immersed with a task that I forget to eat or drink or even urinate. All because the task occupies the wholeness of my small-attention brain I can't even attend to my body needs. Even while I eat or before I sleep, I would still simulate the next steps I'll do, solve questions I initially set aside, connect and organize thoughts. I would feel guilty if I don't, as if my lunch time is wasted if I just dedicate it to lunch. When the frenzy rushes through my veins, it's unstoppable. My blood feels like boiling when I can't attend to that urge. It feels like an addiction, or hypermania perhaps. This is not an exaggeration, I can't express it enough.
It's a habit, an embedded personality trait. No matter how much "overworking is not a badge of honor" stuff I see on the internet, it's not easy to break away from that slavery. It's like I have a Stockholm syndrome with the burnout culture, because I actually like working, overworking I don't want to say "because I don't know any better" because I do; it's just that I keep choosing it despite knowing all the ends.
And there's this pandemic and lockdowns, which forced me (and us) into a whole turnaround. With all 24 hours in my hands, I have fallen even deeper into the quicksand of overworking. I have already discussed the evils of work-from-home in another blog, I don't want to repeat the same sad stuff. Story short, I was on pedestal of overworking, of course the fall would be no less same degree, just to the other direction.
What maximum contrast.
I had my worst depressive episode so far. I also suffered various medical conditions, some of which I probably have to carry for the rest of my life. I won't share them anymore as I'd like to protect the details while learning through them. Even through depression, I tried to look at myself as objectively as I can. If the lockdown didn't happen, would I be this crap?
Simulation, start.
If this was a normal year, I would have obsessed over work. The shits in my life would just continue, as they always do. But because I have high (unhealthy) defense mechanisms, I would have continued to implement them—
If this problem is not work-related, I'll set it aside. More specifically, if this problem concerns just myself, I can wait. I'll prioritize those which can affect my productivity and reputation as a workforce.
My unhealthy eating habits (due to lack of time to prepare wholesome food) would continuously degrade my life, my dangerous cholesterol level would have intensified further, and I would have more frequent fainting. And I would have troubled a lot of workmates because of that. I wouldn't have a bed to instantly flop into when I'm not feeling well.
I would have kept the same level of expenses and income as initially expected. I wouldn't have time to think of buying things that don't improve my productivity. However, unplanned medical expenses would appear, even more expensive than what actually happened, because I would not have instant access to my safe place (home) free of charge.
My mind revolves like that.
In actuality, I have already disconnected from a lot of people and things in order to protect myself. My depression is another story to tell, but yeah, again with my opening statement, I romanticized work so much that I neglected myself. All these years. The lockdown is not the one to blame for my breakdowns. It merely exposed my already-broken self. I had to go through the hard way, to force myself to face the unsettled businesses I shut myself from.
I have already thought of a lot of stuff. I actually know what I want. It's just that my life has become so wrong on oh so many levels, that the mere thought train of where to start fixing already consumes a lot of time.
This is NOT an attack against my company, workmates, former schools, schoolmates, friends, and other people. But, I have to take this chance to reflect on all the time I spent prioritizing the wrong things. I never attended to these thoughts, which surfaced recently and in the hard way. If I keep these to myself, I won't make a difference, because that's what I've already been doing all these years. I won't be able to move forward. I have to call myself out, reprimand myself, slap myself with the truth, and finally walk forth to correct the wrong.
To summarize it all, we all have a natural pace of working. Our bodies and minds can handle only that much amount of activity in a certain period. But when we overwork, we disrupt that natural pace. Consequently, other natural events in our lives get disrupted too. Most importantly, we deplete ourselves faster. The level of friction of gets high above tolerable capacity. The parts not yet scheduled for consumption are already becoming collateral damage. So, we burn out. And we so often neglect our internal cries out of the illusion that success is tied with and only with overworking, which is false.
So, this coming year, I'll try to be kinder to myself. I'll try to look after myself more seriously. Yes, "try". It's not that I'm avoiding promise to myself, but I know I can't force a whole new lifestyle in a blink of an eye—it doesn't work that way. Looking after myself is also a task, a work, and I commit to not overwork anymore.
To everyone reading this, I don't know if we are going through the same or different circumstances. But, know that you eventually have to confront the things you set aside. You have to be brave, in order to move forward. May this post spark seeds of courage in you to finally attend to your inner cries.
Cheers, to letting go of one of the biggest demons of my life, for the new year ahead.
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