I experienced my first time leaving a job just recently. It was a job that I really, really loved. But, a lot of things in my life just went wrong, and I know I have to move forward, and move away. I know that for other people, leaving a job is a normal part of adulthood. But for me, it was a really difficult experience.
My superiors thought I was making decisions on a whim. This does not sound good, but I actually felt insulted. All my life, I never go about without layered plans. I pondered on my resignation for months. I mean, almost half a year. When I talked to my superiors, I was not asking for advice, motivation, privilege, nor permission—I was informing them of my decision.
I just dragged it for too long. You know, the things that held me back were pretty stupid, though.
Stay or leave
The dilemma between holding on and letting go is very unnerving. I was swerving between “I already did this for years” and “I can’t do this anymore.” No matter how many pros and cons I listed for each camp, there was always a reason to choose one over the other. The most difficult part of that dilemma is the projection of each choice. If I choose to stay, this would become of me three or five years. If I choose to quit, I would be traversing new grounds for a while but I would be this in three or five years. I invested a lot to ground myself here; it was almost unfathomable (at that time) to think of uprooting everything. For the most part, that dilemma really held me back. I knew I was just ruminating.
Fear of overcoming a fear
I was holding myself back from tendering my resignation letter, because I was afraid that when I finally do it, I will get desensitized by it. I felt like if I leave my job now, I can do it again in the future without remorse. The first time is the hardest, we say. I was afraid then, but I was getting anxious about the possible loss of fear afterwards. I mean, I have a habit of doorslamming people. I also left my family to live on my own. All without remorse. Once I overcome a fear, I lose it, and it is unhealthy. What else could I cry about? In the future, if I try on something and not like it, would I easily detach from it without regrets? Would anything else be fulfilling enough for me in the future? See, it’s such a stupid reason.
Unnecessary values
Lastly, I was playing hero. I thought that if I left at that time I first thought of it, a lot of people would be affected. My already-heavy workload would be reallocated to the other people who also had already-heavy workload. I would get what I want, but I would pass burdens to others. I knew that that impact would greatly affect the efficiency of the whole system. Most importantly, I was already depressed, and I didn’t want anyone else to suffer like me. I am not even an Fe user. My moral compass failed me.
You see, when I was experiencing those things that held me back, I was ruminating every day. But, when I finally got out, and looked at them in retrospect, I realized they were such stupid reasons. For someone with high needs for self-care such as myself, those were so out-of-character. You need to get out of an echo chamber to hear real sounds.
I was working day and night, and also thinking about stay or leave. My brain was exhausted for two reasons at once. When my superiors told me, “You are not enjoying your job because you already imbibed that [quitting] mindset and it impairs your view,” they were actually not wrong.
But you see, at that time, I already knew that moving out was the best choice for me. Even now, I still think that it is the right decision. Even in retrospect. I was not making emotional decisions. And even if I was, I still believe that I should leave. My choice does not change just because of emotions.
I did not decide on a whim. I was silently pondering and planning, all those times. Just because I did not show any signs of weakness does not mean there was nothing wrong. It was not a whim—I just took them by surprise—that was it.
I really loved the job. I still do. I am grateful for the development I gained. But, sheer love and gratitude alone cannot sustain life—of the body and of the soul. “Sometimes, love just ain’t enough.”
Anyway, I already made the choice. Now, I have to keep walking forward.
“I never thought that I would see the day When I decide if I should leave or stay” —Ben&Ben, Leaves
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