Here’s a confession. When I was in high school, I never dreamed to live past 17. I believed that, by all means, my life will stop at 17. If you know what I mean. I was slowly burning my candles, walking hopelessly every day—overwhelmed by the meaninglessness of my life.
While spending my supposedly ‘last days’ on earth, I happened to meet people who flipped my world views. These people were also broken people—from dysfunctional families, from extreme poverty, from thirst for affection, from suffocating abundance, from unwanted privileges.
Through them, I discovered that we are all broken people, and struggling every day. Our sufferings are not comparable, but we are all suffering from something. But, they don’t surrender. Those people I met during the supposedly last days of my life were broken people who forget about their brokenness every time we hang out. So I, being a competitive spirit, was convinced—”if these people fight against the tragedy of life, why won’t I?“
Indeed, I lived in pride. I lived past 17 due to pride. I graduated college due to pride. I passed the board exams due to pride. I always wanted to prove myself, even if no one was challenging me, because of the basic fear of invalidation and silencing. Yes, it’s exhausting to live in pride, fear and grudge. But, this is how I survived 25 years of my life. Without all of these, my life would have stopped at 17.
Looking back, I now know that the reason I am struggling is because I have a lot of things I want to unlearn. For most people, they carry the things they were taught growing up. So, their youth sailed smoothly, and became adults who are fruits of their childhood. For me, I challenged the things fed to me. I am no one’s shadow. I do not succumb to authority by tradition. I am a deviant. My youth didn’t sail smoothly, because the suffocating environment I grew up in deserved to be defied.
But, I don’t regret anything.
If I could turn back time, I would still stand by the same principles. But if I could change something, I would change the fundamentals of my childhood and youth in a way that “I don’t have to fight for my principles”. I would change the very environment to allow myself to sail smoothly and develop myself without thorns and knives while keeping the same principles I believe in.
No, we’re not playing victim here. We’re testaments of the unspoken truths that could have been suicide stories.
So, this is the point where I have to say, “I need to move forward.”
I can’t continue living in the past with all the grudges that fuel my will to live. My 25 years has been filled with rage and eagerness to detoxify. My hatred is deep-seated and cannot be drained even by a lifetime. However, I realized that the most important thing for me is my peace.
My traumas have served me enough. I should put them to rest now. They should not define me. I am not a reflection of my insecurities.
This is the point where I tell myself, “Those memories have fulfilled their duties. I need to let them go now. I need to move forward and walk straight to the light without looking back to the darkness.”
I don’t want to return to the dark place where I think about initiating my death every day.
To close, I still believe that the best decisions I have made were the ones I made myself. Those decisions when I went with my own plans, because I trusted myself, defying the chains disguised as “elderly wisdom”.
The most important thing that kept me living these 25 years is this:
When you die, people can speak anything about you. They can demonize you, or they can also glorify you. They can say that you hate them even if you don’t, or that you love them even if you don’t. They will take control over your history and twist it to their convenience. Empty words will dilute your meaning. After people have created their own version of your story, your real story will fall to oblivion.
That’s not what you want.
So, go live. Live as long as you can. Even if it hurts.
Live in control of your life.
Leave a legacy before you die.
Gather enough people to protect your history.
Materialize your dreams.
Pay forward.
Spread your advocacies.
Pave the way for others if you can.
Uproot the culture that ruined you.
No one should suffer like you did.
End the toxic cycle with you.
Life is inherently difficult and shitty. But, death is even shittier.
Here goes nothing.
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