Eulogy

Started: 22 March 2015, 22:49 Ended: 6 April 2015, 00:51 Wrecking ball (noun) : a large, heavy ball that is used to knock down buildings EULOGY 6 April 2015 Fifty minutes ago, I have received the paper which held the most sorrowful figure in my whole life. But I have prepared this statement ahead of time, to tell you all that I have responsibility of whatever happened. It’s so funny how numbers can change your life. Numbers do not need synonyms to conceal meanings; only letters have that kind of mask. That’s why I love numbers, because they are so straightforward… so straightforward that they break my heart. I want to tell you, everyone, forthrightly, that I am no longer a candidate for honors. It is indeed a sad news to all who have invested time and effort to build me and to watch me grow. I am in deep mental grief of remembering the multitude who supported and prayed for me. At this moment, I cannot find my pride, because I have failed. I remember one morning in March, there was a sender to Tambalan about having these figures. The figures aired in the radio were much worse than what I hold now. But the story was more reasonable. If I were in that position, I will know what to do: fight. In my position, my fight has ended; this is the limit of whatever I can do. My sorrow is beyond what words can say or what colors can show. It’s either because I am illiterate in expressing my feelings, or the dictionaries are not updated enough to define it. I have learned to dream by myself; and that makes it even harder to accept that another dream of mine has been snatched and thrown away, and I cannot get it back. I cannot find my pride at these moments, for all I feel is nothingness. I may look calm and strong, but you'll never know. In front of my friends, of the people who unconditionally understand me, I may not be crying, but I know they feel my denials. There was no problem accepting it alone—in considering other people, there is. The pain is tolerable, not until other people feel sad for me. I am grieving for the future which I cannot have anymore. I am grieving for the reputation I have goaled to build, which is now knocked down. I am grieving for the people who challenged and trusted that I can, because their calls have died. We can always share my thoughts and feelings with anybody, but we can only experience it alone. But, I have to move forward. My sorrow has arrived too late to happen with the Lenten Season… too late to go with the Easter Sunday (Linggo ng Pagkabuhay). But, everybody has to move forward. I have to find my normal self soon, because summer classes are coming. Summer classes are stressful; there are no MWF or TTH because have to submit the assignments on the next day. I cannot bury my face for a longer time and care not about anything, because I need to face the summer classes. I barely have a week to rebuild myself. I have to make the pain that should be lamented for 40 days die within 4 days. I have to move forward. Otherwise, I’ll get another of that frustration. Once is enough, ONCE IS TOO MUCH. I thank you all for being with me until now. I thank you for rejoicing with me in my achievements and cheering me in my doubtful moments. But, the time that every candidate fears has already happened to me. I have let you down. I apologize, from the bottom of my drained and almost empty heart, for causing disappointment. We cannot change the past. What has been done has been done. The damage is irrevocable already. Nothing can bring me back to that path. The door for that particular dream has been closed. I cannot go back. I need to find another door. But, I can only look back and cry, which I will carry for the rest of my life—that not everything can be changed when it is already late. I am not yet anything to tell a speech. But, I want to tell the young people of what I have experienced. I want to be an author soon, so that I can acquire copyrights. HAHA. While most of the college students I meet in my whole life have only thought of, “Makatapos lang ako at makakuha ng magandang trabaho, swak na swak na,” there I was, mindlessly believing in, "Kapag mangangarap ka, taasan mo na." I want to tell you all, at any point in the activity, "Masakit umasa." Complacency kills. I should have printed a tarpaulin and glued it on the wall so that I will remember that I was once killed by complacency. I had sworn to myself to never be caught by the same trap. I have failed. Now, I am double dead… by complacency. Be comfortable in believing in your skills, but do not be complacent. Do not be overwhelmed by your abilities that you forget about the pebbles in the way. Pressure is cruel. I managed to tolerate it. I have cheered up other pressured friends and colleagues so that they can also tolerate the pressure and do better while enjoying. But you know, I may look calm, but sometimes I shiver inside while eating lunch. There will come a time that you will realize, however toleration you can do, pressure will swallow you. That is the truth—unless you know how to utilize the ways of decreasing pressure: (1) lessen the force you receive by choosing what to listen to, or (2) expand your area by becoming more open-minded. That is, still, based on physics. Numbers are just numbers; they just stand for a specific value but will not define anything. But letters can do that. Work to get good numbers, but use them for a greater goal of honorifics/appositions. Believe that there is a reason for everything, though sometimes you are not allowed to know it so soon. Yuko-san always says, "There are no coincidences in this world. There is only the inevitable." Believe in destiny. Destiny has its own existence and is not created by man—only the means are the ones we can make to reach the things we desire along the way. But, remember that destiny is unknown to man—unless you die it is not your end—therefore we believe we create destiny. Be strong and adventurous so that you can take full control of the wheel to that destiny, so that when your journey ends, whatever in the end will not account for more than the fun and wisdom you acquired during the trip. One more thing. I want to clarify that I regret nothing about the efforts I have invested. Knowing that they are not my full extent, all those efforts HAVE NOT gone to waste. I may not achieve the Laude anymore, nor the awards for consistent Dean's Lister-ship and consistent Academic Scholarship—one must understand, especially the young people, that we should not work for only one goal if we can invest and prepare for two things at the same time. Businessmen don't place all their money in one bank account—they segregate them. In the same way, I am investing for my future, to have a job that pays more than just enough, heave poverty out of my family, create a good reputation and give back to the society. I work for a long-run vision. Laude-ship is just a lubricant, a bonus; IT IS NOT EVERYTHING. However, I am bitter. Yet, however pointless, let me mourn. Let me mourn for all the times I have struggled and fought to have my heart broken in the end. Let me mourn, for at the meantime, this is the only thing I can do. Let me mourn, so that I can move forward. I want to leave this message once and for all: I will continue to achieve… I will continue to excel. I will CONTINUE, not start. I have started a long time ago. I will not be bounded by this kind of setback. I will continue to soar, not for revenge, but to walk my path on becoming a citizen of morals, knowledge and productivity. I will continue to become a person who involves in meaningful issues of the society and share ideas and uplift other people. To the young people, if you do not regret a fallback, do not say, "Magbabago na ako." Instead, stand for a, "Ipagpapatuloy ko ito dahil tama ako." Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” Mark Twain added, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sail. Explore. Dream. Discover.” I will be like Maya Angelou. “Just like moons and like suns / With the certainty of tides / Just like hopes springing high / Still I'll rise.” Consider this my disallowed / forfeited / premature / discontinued / unrealized graduation speech. I do not know how long I will be in this bitterness before I get satisfied. It can be for a week, for a month, for 40 days, for a year, or forever if it can happen in the terms of man. Staying is a choice, and also an event... Well, anyway, I wish my dreams can rest in peace, so that I can continue to use my resources on earth to keep my other dreams alive. I am looking forward for another death: the death of my bitterness and resentments. There is no knife to murder it now, so I will wait, for it will die by a natural death. Laude dreams, forever in loving memory. SWEET BABY JAMIE C. TAN * * * * * * * * * * PART II The Best Quotations I Read in This Event "They might have lost the battle, but they won the war... There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose." [Ruemer Allan Santillan] "It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." [Anjeanette Japor] sasabihin ko ito sayo, its been a part of my prayer to give you strength when you deeply need it. [Melljonh Pesigan] Hayaan mo na sweet…pero one thing is for sure,sa bawat kabiguang ganyn,may mas malaking blessing ang naghihintay….so stay strong para masalo mo ng bongga ang blessing…:) [Jebelle Calusin] very good that’s our class valedictorian think positive [Raynel Pasia] maliit na bagay… walang anuman… basta AkMu anytime basta on-line, hahaha… [Sir Gilbert Garcia] Baka naubos na ---- --- --- dahil sa mga -------- --- -- --------- ---- [Rona Elaine De Luna] …Ituloy natin ang laban! [Joanne Paguio] 1. Don’t worry. Ready naman making si God ng mga wishes 24/7 :) 2. Mali yung "Ayokong umasa." Dapat pala ay 'Gusto kong umasa..." Kahit masakit Hahaha. [Lloyd Vince Arceo] "Pero kahit na anong pag-eemo ang gawin mo, hindi naman titigil ang mundo para sayo. At mas lalong hindi iikot ang mundo ayon sa nararamdaman mo... Higit sa lahat, kahit na anong gawin mo, hindi ka magigig polboron. So wala ka naman choice sa buhay, lalaban at lalaban ka pa din. Umiyak ka, punasan mo. Kasi nga, kung napapagod ka magpahinga ka, pero wag na wag kang susuko." [Krishna Amar] Okay lang yun. Ako din naman. Its a tie. Hahaha [Carl Johanson Nieva] Ikain Mo na lang yan. #StressEating [Maria Carmela Sinag] Don’t worry Sweetbabyjamie it will not define u..basta ipass mo board :) [Ma’am Kristine Pabico] It's okay Sweet! Di pa rin mababawasan ang paghanga namin sa 'yo... [Ronz Mikko Del Moro]