"Don't touch my garbage."

Maybe I'm such a nasty person because I didn't prepare for my adulthood.

When I was young, I didn't imagine being adult. I was consumed by living only until 16 or high school graduation, because I would have died of respiratory and/or cardiac failure or by suicide.

And then, I was admitted a prestigious scholarship, met a lot of real friends, been recognized, and felt important. I suddenly felt hopeful and ambitious, which were big enough to make me forget my death-based attitude and strive to be a "better person".

I wasn't heard when I wanted to shout. I was helpless. I was a machine. So, when I first felt genuine emotions, I didn't know what to do with them. I merely held them for educational purposes, just so I can talk like a normal human being around other people.

I rebranded myself to be jolly, friendly, lovable—all the normie characteristics that the society calls cool and acceptable. I have been living in pretense. Even when I sleep, I am still wearing the masks, lots of masks. My face got even more numb and emotionless. Now, it's at a point of no return. But, I was able to be perceived as jolly, friendly, lovable—even for a brief moment. Now, my limit to this pretense has reached its end.

Being a better person is exhausting. At the end of the day, I'm still the same person. Even though I grew up, I'm still stuck with my grudges, my old id and ego. I'm still submitting myself as a slave of competition, revenge, self-preservation, comfort, and living in my own terms.

But, I guess the truth shall always prevail. I am this garbage. I have no plans of fixing myself to fit the society. I have no plans of adjusting myself to be loved by a society who was the reason of why I am this kind of garbage. I am no normie. Let me be weird. Let me be un-understandable. Let me be the eeriest character, so that I am no loss in case you finally decide to sever ties with me.

I know it doesn't justify my horrible personality. No matter what I say, it's still going to be the society's terms, because I am just a speck of dust among all the humans who lived here. I wish I had really prepared to be a good adult. I wish I was more cheerful, more positive, more rational, more proactive, more empathetic, more charismatic, more compassionate... I wish I was more than just high-maintenance garbage.