I grew up in a rather lenient environment. No one has ever slapped my face or pulled my hair. The highest drama I have ever experienced was probably related to school competition or petty crushes. My prankster classmates hid other classmates’ shoes or put rocks inside bags, but I was untouched. I was never physically bullied. Fist fights and troubles were rampant in my public high school, but not really to the point of ganging someone up like in Meteor Garden (Shan Cai & co. are college students, by the way). So, for my then-self, those kinds of bullying were fiction.
When I became an adult, I realized that bullying is not merely slapping faces and pulling hairs or hazing people. It is not always explicit. Bullying comes in many forms, and most of them are silent and subtle. And in that case, bullying is like a fart—the more silent, the more deadly. Since bullying exists in many forms, it is not conclusive to say that it can be solved easily or not solvable at all. But, physical bullying is relatively easier to solve.
First, you know who the bully is. You can find a way to report to authorities. As adults, we know that there are laws which protect everyone’s liberty and rights. But in kid or teenager level, this might not be fully known, since many teenagers are bullied but they do not report because of fear. Actually, even adults. Thus, it is our duty to make sure that these incidents are taken proper action of.
Second, you can fight back. You can make a scene to get attention, so they bully will get conscious of themselves and leave you alone. Probably not the best solution, but if it gives you peace, it works. It is even harder to fight back in a subtle bullying when you do not even know who the perpetrator is.
Lastly, harsh words and physical injuries hurt, but it is even more agonizing when your sense of self is being attacked. More than anything, everyone should protect their sense of self. You can go to a faraway place and forget the words you heard; you can treat the physical wounds you obtained. But the pain inflicted to your soul is hardest to appease. It creates permanent damage to yourself. And because of subtle bullying, you might not notice it growing inside you. It may start as a discomfort, and you might accept that discomfort as a normal part of life. One day, you might just wake up and you have already been injured to the point of irreparability.
Some forms of subtle bullying include use of undue influence, repeated false hope, isolation, comparison, unhealthy competition, smart-shaming, minimization (belittling your concerns just because they think they can handle it better), disregard (turning a blind eye, pretending not to see the problem), gaslighting (twisting facts to make you doubt your own knowledge), campaigning (spreading rumors), obstruction of opportunities, stirring up a legitimate problem just so they can pass on work to you, shifting blame, stealing credit, bribery, extortion, boycott, and guilt-tripping, among others.
Of course, these are normal circumstances in life and are not wholly inclusive/exclusive to bullying. You might have also noticed that there are examples contrasting each other. This is because the inclusion of one does not mean exclusion of its opposite.
The main element of bullying is control and manipulation. A person cannot bully someone unless they exercise domination first; otherwise they will just look like pathetic kids starting a fight no one buys. Control can be acquired, such as through intimidation or physical dominance, or inherent, such as hierarchical authority. It can be parent to a child, a classmate to a classmate, a neighbor to a neighbor, a boss to an employee, an officer to a civilian, a company to another company, etc.
Bullying cannot be eradicated. As much as we want to, the motive of bullying—which is control—is inherent to human psychology. However, we can decide how we respond to bullying.
In kinds which undermine your self-worth, you can shrug them off and act normally, or even more confidently around that specific person who bullies you. Even if it is only a pretense, acting confidently can act as a reverse card—for someone who thinks they can control you, stir them up, and confuse them with your act. In the process, you will subconsciously develop self-confidence even if no one is against you anymore. Just be careful, do not be overconfident that you would become a bully yourself.
In kinds which belittle your concerns or starring their abilities over yours, remember that you are strong enough to solve your problem. When you talk about your problem to someone and they minimize your problem, you may consider not repeating ever sharing to them, if that gives you more peace. There are more people who would be willing to help you, so you do not need toxic people in your life. Just remember that some friends might have that kind of attitude because they want to bully but because it is just their natural personality. But, choose which gives you peace, or at least which does not take away the peace you already have.
In kinds of spreading propaganda, we can continue our lives. Bullies are on attack mode, but they are gathering people to actually attack. Just imagine how weak they are that they need manpower just to take you down. Even in times of blame or credit game, you can always assume and defend what is yours, whether blame or credit. He who has more proof gains more power. You are not even required to be constantly in defense mode just to gather evidence for yourself. As long as you are in the right, even if they try to gather against you, evidence will speak for you.
In kinds of diversion, isolation, or obstruction of opportunities, find your own. If they feel happy not giving you attention or opportunities, remember that they are not the only source. There are a lot. Imagine that they are so conceited, and laugh it off, because you can find your own. Be happy without them. Even if you have to make them look bad in your head, that is fine. It is okay to make yourself your own protagonist in your head. Choose what gives you peace.
These are only suggestions. They are not very easy to do, especially for people who already lost their self-confidence. So, if you are well and capable of cheering someone up, help someone—your classmate, your co-worker, your friend, your sibling, or even someone on the internet subtly asking for help in forums and posts.
For people who were half-buried, it is indeed hard to push themselves up. This is why many depressed people only fall deeper into depression. So, pull them up. It is okay if you view it as a burden at first, but you can keep pulling someone up until you are tired and find someone to continue to work. The goal is to save someone. It is far worse to just turn a blind eye.
In the course of writing this, I realized, it is not the danger that we are afraid of. We are not really afraid of the bully or their methods. There are a lot of ways to combat those. Rather, we are afraid of helplessness. The danger itself is scary. But the idea that no one will help you nor acknowledge your presence is even more terrifying.
It is not the fire which we are afraid of, but the absence of a way out, or the idea that no one noticed we are missing or not yet saved because everyone is busy saving themselves. It is not getting terminated or laid off which scares us, but the notion that no one will hire us or no job will be available for us. It is not the mountain or forest which terrifies us, but getting lost and not being able to find the way back, just becoming prey to wild animals and dying without no one knowing. We might have an opinion, but no voice. We might have an invention, but no one believes. We might have a principle that deviates from the norm, and the society might cancel us out.
That is exactly what bullying is about—making the bullied helpless.
I hope we do not succumb to total loss of self-confidence, which makes us so vulnerable to manipulators. Not just those who will control us, but those who will control what other people think about us. May we never lose all roads to peace, even just one. That road does not need to be one that fights back, but rather just one that takes us away from toxicity so we can renew ourselves and be better people.
A gentle reminder, there are always better solutions than suicide. Prove them that they cannot overpower you. Be strong, for the future you that you want to become.
And for everyone, let us help each other.
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