Hi, Sweet,
Do you remember what you were doing on this day last year?
Yes, you were budgeting. You were budgeting the fck out of your very little savings. You were forecasting your cash outflows for your NBI certificate, birth certificate, pa-photocopy ng ganito ganyan, pamasahe para mag-asikaso ng SSS, HDMF, PHIC registration. You were forecasting your estimated costs of job hunting in Makati. You planned on walking in on audit firms based on Google Maps. You didn't even know how to get from JAC Buendia to Ayala Avenue, buti na lang may sakay.ph! You were so eager to plan ahead. Actually, your mind was full of budgeting even before the first day of exams started.
But among your peers, you were the only one planning ahead and actually taking action, which was extremely lonely. The most agonizing feeling from May 21 to 28 was not waiting for the results, but having no one to talk with.
Remember when you asked them, anong balak n'yo? Saan kayo pupunta? Kailan kayo mag-aapply? You landed on three recurring answers:
(1) "Gusto ko muna magpahinga. I deserve a vacation."
(2) "Wala pa akong plano. 'Di ko nga alam kung papasa ako e."
(3) "Ikaw ba?"
Do you remember your board exam last year? You didn't even know 25% of the questions. Actually, you were not bothered whether you will pass or not. The only thing that mattered to you that time was to be efficient and get early in the line before the applicants rush in after the results. You knew the bandwagon na kapag lumabas ang results, saka magsisidagsaan ang applicants.
You couldn't afford a vacation. You were so broke and hopeless that your mind was so full of "I need to get a job before June 15" to be able to get a good share of 13th month pay. Yes, wala kang pera, but the reason you couldn't afford a "gusto ko muna magpahinga" was because that it soooo inefficient. Sayang oras. But you wanted to balance time and money, you couldn't travel to the Metro unless you have a resolution—CPA passer ka ba o hindi.
Really, it didn't matter kung papasa ka o hindi. Kung hindi, you still have some glitzy aces up your sleeve. You can still send your CV to job offerings and choose the least evil. You can still land on a reputable job, because you were just waiting on a title—a privilege do to public service. The most important thing was to get ahead of others—so that while they were waiting, you were moving. You will celebrate at the same time. After the celebration, they will be doing their CVs, but you have already sent yours. And while they are sending theirs, you were already hired.
I bet no one really shared the same thoughts.
One year ago, you were drafting your emails. They were waiting for a click as early as the very moment you see your name on the roll. You were drafting emails because you already finished your CV even before the board exam started HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm not bragging that you were sure to pass. I know how unsure you were then. You never mentioned the exams at home because you didn't want to give false hope. Haha, we both know how a slacker you were during undergrad and review.
But you didn't feel shaken. Whatever happened happened—you cannot remedy it anymore. Instead, look ahead. And that's your advantage.
Because of your overthinking, you were able to plan your studies. You knew you didn't need to rub your face on books and deprive yourself of sleep. You knew you didn't need a lot of books and materials because you have budgeted your time on the important things.
You have peers who were super smart, and peers who were slackers. And there you were, an average. An average procrastinator who plans and budgets her life. That's your advantage among the average.
You were blessed to be the first one to be hired among your peers. You were blessed that you landed on the best company and your first choice. You were blessed not to be one of those kids that the recruitment teams listed on the roll of "X slots na lang natitira, sino kaya ang pipiliin namin?" You were blessed to have skipped the hassle of sending applications at Jobstreet and LinkedIn because you only needed once to make it right.
And, this is the plot twist.
After a year, are you contemplating? Were your efforts really worth your arrogance? Did your "planning ahead" and "earliness" give you a significant pro in experience compared to those who were hired after the Oath, or a month after, or those who were recent passers? What advantage have you gained against those who said they wanted to have a vacation or they didn't even know if they will pass? What makes you think so highly of yourself? You didn't even start immediately afyer being hired. You were not even the first to start at work. What makes you think you are qualified to brag about your earliness?
None. We are all in equal footing, I guess. We are just all the same, struggling idiots being forced to grow up. All your planning schemes were just to convince yourself that you are worthy and capable of something.
Let me defend my anxious self for the last time here: I know I influenced a few people to move and take action, by inspiration or by peer pressure.
Eleven months has passed since I officially entered the corporate world. The audit firm. Have I gained something? A LOT. I HAVE GAINED A LOT OF THINGS.
But, am I satisfied?
No. It's not enough. None of it is enough. The experience, the learning, the exposure, the eyestrain, the Carpal-Tunnel, the praise, the reprimand, the stress, the isolation, the unexpected company, the figure-it-out-on-your-own, the bashing the mental block, the challenges, the pakikipag-away-kasi-ikaw-naman-ang-tama... None of it is enough.
Let's stay for a few more X.
Your present self,
Sweet
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