Yesterday, I talked with two of my most favorite persons.
I tweeted stuff about how tired I am, because that's the easiest method to flow my frustrations out. These two friends, one I haven't talked to for ages, and one who I got really close to just recently, reached out to me.
You know, I'm like a balloon, who just keeps on accepting air being fed to me. But when the grip on the opening looses, I'll vomit all that shit at once. I'm that fragile. Then, I'll keep collecting shit again. Then burst someday. I'm a reserved person, but if given a chance to explode, I'd really take that chance.
And today, I had a chance to freely let my frustration flow out. I had the chance to have someone read my rants and validate my sufferings. I was given another person's perspectives on important matters. What does it take to face fear? What does it mean to be weak? Why do people get blind on things just because they have power? How do we deal with uncertainty? Why were we deprived of things that we recently found out were actually doable?
I probably shared some secrets, too. But, I don't regret anything. I know I've already suffered enough. They weren't secrets which need safety; they were evils which force me to tolerate them.
And hearing stuff from someone who already moved forward was compelling. I feel like I've been missing out a lot, just because I can't make that one step. It's just that one step. I keep circling around and diverting my attention and avoiding that one step to make all the difference.
And today also, I had the chance to sort out my thoughts. I sought advice from who I consider a mentor. I presented my plan, and asked for opinion.
I basically forced her to listen to me—maybe I was just looking for someone who will agree with me rather than looking for actual advice. I already have plans. Detailed plans. I'm structured on what I'll do. But, I don't know why I'm constantly seeking validation.
And I got the chance to hear from someone that it's not my fault. I got the chance to hear that I'm more than what I think I'm worth. I have someone who's proud of me fighting my battles. Yes, I call them "chance", because they are rare.
As time passes, everyone forgets the past gradually. The things that happened, the people who were once there, the decorations in a place, the beautiful and painful memories—time heals all wounds. And just like that, I'll heal if I give myself time. But, I have to actually give myself time.
She's right, admitting that I'm not as important as I thought is a very bitter pill to swallow.
This month.. no, this year has been very painful to me. I had to accept how incapable I am. I had to face the truth that I'm not good enough. At one point, I just realized that I neglected myself so much on my journey to become what I believed was relevant. I forgot that the most important concern to me should be myself. I was too busy impressing other people, so I failed myself. And in the end, I was the only one believing I succeeded. And even if they liked me, that "like" cannot materialize, and I cannot get my invested time and energy back. I just depreciated myself way faster than normal in vain.
But, this is also not a new lamentation. I'm vocal about my state. I tweet all the time. I share memes all the time. But, I chose to disclose details to certain people, because by the nature of their job I thought they would understand. But when I told those people about my mental and physical health, I don't remember getting as much acceptance as I had with these two important people.
I'm not the type to seek validation. My feelings are valid, with or without someone else's validation. And as you can notice, I am very individualistic, self-sufficient, and self-important. But when I receive such warmth, how can I not crave? If people were capable of giving this kind of warmth, why was I deprived of it? Why did I have to experience being shunned and cancelled?
Not being given the chance to speak... is more bearable than being able to speak but getting ignored as if nothing was ever said.
It's always been "I shouldn't have talked too much." But with these people, I feel comfortable showing my vulnerabilities. After the conversations, I still felt I talked a lot more than I should have. But, they accepted my words and validated my woes. I felt that my words were worth listening to.
But, I'm scared that I'll get accustomed to this warmth that I might abuse their kindness without realizing it.
Still, I appreciate that even the selfish me has people who support me.
If I was alone, I probably would be self-loathing. I'd probably be thinking that I'm stupid, that everything is my fault, that I'm solely responsible for the bad things in my life.
Yes, this is the kind of Sunday that I'm craving for. A Sunday to reflect and assess my life.
No, why just Sunday. I deserve to have my own time at my own disposal. It isn't something I should negotiate for—it's a given.
I'll feel like crap because I keep everything to myself. When things are stored in an air-tight container, they either stay fresh or they rot in silence. When left for too long, they'll be trash. In an isolated system, entropy can only increase. It follows that, when pain is kept and buried, it will either remain fresh anytime you retrieve it, or it will rot and corrupt you in silence.
So, I hope everyone finds at least one person to force themselves to open and breathe. In our vulnerable states, we might find ourselves just receiving and receiving but not being able to offer anything. During that period, I think we have to focus on healing. We might not be able to actually pay back the people who do us good. So, let's pay forward.
And, remember that everything retained must someday be released.
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