TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, suicide, self-loathing, etc.
Hey. I finally got some time for myself.
My greatest struggle in the recent months was actually on the volume of information and interactions I had to process. I wasn’t able to keep up with the raging flow of things, and I grew self-loathing on my incompetence and failures. And yes, I have a lot of hatred towards a lot of memories and people–which drag me even further to abyss.
My actual goal is to stop all flows of information and unload all attachments I have, so that I can finally look at myself properly. And by looking at myself, I mean “undivided attention”. After clearing my head, my secondary goals are aimed to reconnect me with the physical and sensory world. I want to reunite with my hobbies and learn new skills. I want to try physical self-care such as getting exercise, eating proper foods, sleeping on time, developing mindfulness, and most especially, getting the medical attention that I need.
Hey, I finally got some time. And when I say “got”, I mean gasping for it and grabbing something seemingly out of reach, which is worthy enough of the glory to be “gotten”. People say that you “make” time for the important things to you. I would have done that–making time for myself–but there are a lot of things that demand my 24-hours-per-day, and even that is not enough.
It’s hard to be a highly-functional individual. Perhaps I have made myself so available that everyone has been conditioned to think that I am available at everyone’s disposal. People think that I am just sad or depressed “because of the pandemic”. People think that I am just tired and burned out, “like everyone else is”. But, my issues are beyond “tired”. No one believes that my depression has already triggered suicidal thoughts with specific executable plans more than a few times. I have a lot of questions and potential answers which I can pick what I want to believe in. My brain is overflowing, and if I cannot manage them, I just want to end them altogether and at once. And, through the course of discussions with a lot of people, there are many things that people will never really understand. It’s nice if they at least “try”. But, if it’s not efficient to explain, I will resolve things on my own. I am leaving to save myself. And, this is my way of resolving my issues.
One of the best things I learned last year was this: “You cannot heal in the same place you were hurt.” Yes, I learned it last year, and I really wonder why I let pass a whole year and the verge of insanity to make that one big leap of faith towards myself.
I currently have no cash inflows or any other sources of income. I rely on the generosity and credit extensions of the people around me. For some time, I’ll become a piece of trash, or leech. But, I hope after this ordeal, I am hoping to come back to society as a functional individual with a newfound hope–to answer my unanswered questions, to rebrand myself, and to contribute again.
Ciao.
PS: Please pardon if you will detect a lot of subtle loathing in my upcoming blogs. This is the first. As I mentioned, I am unloading the chains that hold me down, so that I can finally walk straight, then climb, then fly.
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