201230 Restless

Lately, I became restless, both in body and in spirit.

It's that time of the year when our dark days start. It's not like we would ever get used to this. Every year feels different. Although we do the same things in concept, we accomplish the same forms, we meet the same people, the experience is always different. Especially this year. There are a lot of transitions and adjustments going on, both in our strategies and our personal lives—not simply "going online" and "working from home" and "planning ahead"—so much that I really cannot put into words how much they stress me out. I can't even tell myself that "it's easier said than done", because even saying them is difficult I cannot put into words.

I used to look forward to this era, working hard every day to be prepared to take new roles and strengthen my skills. But when I got to where I am now, I cannot reconcile myself with those used-to feelings. It's like I know what I'm conventionally supposed to feel, but for some reason I'm feeling empty. There is a void inside me that I cannot fill, and it interferes with my life. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but I cannot execute the way I know I should. Is it because I'm not prepared? I don't think so—I've been prepared for this since I started. Is it because I'm not good enough? Neither—I've received mostly positive feedback on my skills. Is it because I'm tired? Could be—but I've always been tired, it's not anything new. Then, what is the problem? I know what it is, but cannot justify.

All I can say for sure is that I feel restless. I feel like I'm chasing something that I cannot reach, or finding something I have never seen before. Even if I'm not doing anything, I feel tired. I'm watching videos and reading memes, and feel crap for not accomplishing anything with my life. But when I'm working and actually producing concrete results, I still feel crap and unsatisfied.

My notebook is full of piled-up topics with no content—they're all in my head. A lot of thoughts flood my mind, but I cannot seem to flow them out. I feel restless even when I'm just lying on my bed on weekends. Whether I'm happy or sad, the idea of not doing well in the future uninvitedly kicks in. I drown myself in music to sleep—or rather, I push music into my head to force other thoughts out, to stop my brain from thinking on its own, so I can sleep. I'm so preoccupied with thoughts I cannot organize. The mere thought of not being able to sort things out is enough to make me cry.

It came to a point where I realize that crying is futile. Slowly, I got tired of crying, too. I got tired of everything. I became dry of all emotions. I just feel empty, tired and restless, and that's all.

But unexpectedly, small things trigger great explosions. Things that would normally not be a big deal unthinkably clutch some strings inside. Then, I would realize that I wasn't emotionless all along. All it is is a defense mechanism—ignoring the pain because it's too bothersome to analyze and solve.

I would always use a balloon as a visual representation of my restlessness. A balloon looks like it's empty, only full of air and nothing else. But, for all we know, the air molecules in it are moving nonstop and faster than water molecules if water was inside it instead. So, the balloon is theoretically hotter because there's a lot more activity in it that we could imagine.

Restlessness is like that—we think that the void is total emptiness, but the truth is it's a live nest of a lot of things. When we are empty, we become a target of negative emotions—our inner demons, unfinished businesses, insecurities, fears, responsibilities, or the things we deliberately try to forget.

And, it's not like we intentionally want to be in pain, either. But, being free and being empty are two totally different things. In theory, we can choose what things we want to fill ourselves with—we would always choose the things that bring peace. But, most of the things around us are either unnecessary or detrimental. Yet, we feel obliged to fill ourselves up with something—anything—so we unintentionally pollute our clean selves and end up being unhappy. Then, we detoxify, but the stains of our brokenness are so strong that nothing can erase them from history.

I've been taking meditation sessions to help me cope up. I also track my moods and activities—target is after every meal. I also set personal goals like reading one page every day. Forcing myself to stop whatever I'm busy about to give way to those sessions is such a good thing—it brings temporary peace.

But, are those enough? No. During the earlier months, I was consistently monitoring, and getting good analytics about myself. But when sad stuff start to kick in, the very habit vanishes. I can't keep the habit. I just feel bad for my life in general.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to end this blog post peacefully. I just feel tired of everything. This is very uninspiring.