the sbjct project
My name is Jamie.
Some years ago, I started to put my literature and art out to the world and called this website a "project". I thought it would be fun to also post my silly writings from my youth as early and as far as I could retrieve.
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In reality, life has not been gentle for most times, and so I experienced a death of the soul — loss of direction, drought of will and motivation, months of nothingness. I dropped my hobbies and everything else that used to fill my soul with warmth. My energy was reserved for barely surviving as a functional human + masking at work and socials. I did not even have enough energy to cry. And I refused to talk.
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When people say "healing is non-linear", oh boy, words cannot verbalise the excruciating pain of going back-and-forth, unlearning and relearning, realisations of how evil I am and how evil the world has been to me. Depression is like an addiction too — a few months you go to therapy and actually feel how much you have improved, then one sunny day it hits you like a bullet train and all your work slides down the drain. Also, there is an inexplicable dread once you notice the void left by the things you worked hard for in the past that are actually useless and the people you tried so hard to please who will not walk with you.
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Leaving the world was the easy and handy option.
But, I have to actively and effortfully convince myself that it is not the right choice.
In an attempt to resuscitate my dead soul, I pick up my burnt and buried tools too. To start anew. To write again. To draw and paint again. To learn new things along the way. To leave a legacy. To be able to smile and speak again. I just had to start somewhere... anywhere and anything random is fine.
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And it remains a reason this is a "project". I am the project.
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signed // 2024.12.30
Pre-2025 introduction
(that I still want to appear here because somehow it still applies)
I'm SBJCT. My name is kinda weird, so don't mind knowing.
I also had many blog versions—the earliest probably around 2013 during my early stage of learning how to use the internet. I'm a very discontented person. I find it easier to create something new than fix things. Thus, I have a lot more stuff than I could manage.
And I had a lot of time and energy back then. I just didn't know how to make the most out of them. You know that—you have the ingredients and you can cook, but you didn't know who you are cooking for and why you do.
My previous self only had time and energy, and perhaps talent. I wish I could go back to my previous self and offer her the resources I have now—audience, some money, experiences, proven arguments to back her points up. How I wish I learned all these stuff before. How better of me would have I achieved?
And I saw that, as we grow old as adults, we get bombarded by adult-y stuff.
I just want to make sure my passion does not get obliterated by what the society thinks are important. Of course, I know those are indeed important. But so is passion.
We all have to keep our hobbies and interests alive. We have to constantly exercise our soul. We have to move. The system will drown us, and we cannot do anything about that. Let us have an anchor fixed somewhere, and let us bury that deep enough that, no matter how strong the waves are, we hold tight to where we believe we should touch. And, even if we get carried away, at least we leave a mark.
I hope you find something useful in this blog. Anything. I hope something here can leave an impact on your life. Whether this serves as a sign, an affirmation, or just a thing to kill time.
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Continue to move forward.​
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